its march again.

i tested myself. i checked, double checked, triple checked. the emotional charge is gone. i have become a rock. cold, completely unmoved one way or another anymore by thinking of you, by thinking of what happened, by thinking of what couldve been, almost was, or never happened. i feel a release. pushed to the point of being disconnected and untouched for so long that my nerve endings fizzled out. i lost emotional attachment and no longer hurt. hurt for the thought of you.

so why am i still bothered? why do i still linger? why do i still think twice? why do i still care? why do i still consider you? why cant i be a mirror--what you are to me, i am to you? a bitch. distant. inconsiderate. oblivious. unknowing, selfish. why cant i let you be? why can i let you go? forget you? go on, live, do me. and then acknowledge you only when you're there, in my face, and unavoidable. why can't i forget what it felt like to have you there without question? why cant i let go of when it was easy? why?

because now you just fucked me over. a two for one deal--one of you and i lost two people. i lost my potential someone, someone to be with, hold, care for, love, caress, feel complete with. and now..what's hitting me now, is that i've also lost my best friend. i've lost what was our level of normalcy, i lost the comfort, the ease, the moments, the laughter, the talks, the late nights, the memories, the hand to hold, the trips, the hugs. the hugs. the hugs. the hugs. the wanting, the being wanted, missed, yearned for. what are you now but a glorified acquaintance. that person who you're kind of friends with from math lecture or that you see all the time at the dining hall. one of a sea of people to hang out with maybe, probably, on the slim chance that you find time between your "busy" schedule that isn't too busy to plan weekends with him and her and lunches with everyone but the one person that you cannot for the life of you share one damn meal with to catch up with. what happened to when i was your person? you still say that i am this and i'm that and i'm so the only one that is this and that to you. labels labels labels. stop bullshitting and give me back the one person i had before you turned into my two people i couldn't seem to juggle. dont give me your shit, just give me you like how i know you to be, how you were to me--whatever that was called.