So interestingly enough, the drive up to Santa Cruz ended up being sans brother and mom. Riding in a car for uncomfortably long hours with my dad did not end up being as bad as I thought it was going to be. I couldn't help catching myself studying his face at times, trying to read him. I really wanted to pinpoint what he was feeling based on his expression. It's as if his mind was a million miles away..his focus wasn't on the road but in some intangible place far, far away. I thought about all the tension and rough patches of the past months and realized it all boiled down to this day that needed no added stress, tension, or worry but rather needs contentment, lightheartedness, and forgiveness. It was awkward. It was quick, not unnecessarily dragged on. Bye dad. But there was something there in the words he said, the way he looked at me. It wasn't bitter scrutiny or disparaging judgement. It was trust. and faith. Somehow walking away alone became a little easier.
It may seem backwards, but I've found that the older I get the more I depend on my mom. Emotionally, that is. I turn to her for everything and have grown used to being able to come home from a really crappy day of school and just have her give me a hug, shielding me from the world and its worries. The realization that I was leaving that behind hit me very recently. But this is part of the whole experience. Being able to go through the ups and downs alone and recover from a bad day is what needs to happen to grow right? yea, that's how I see it. So, it's okay. I'm okay and ready. I guess it was better that my mom couldn't come on the trip north. She was upset saying goodbye, but it was easier then it would have been here..where this is actually a reality. I know she'll be okay, and so will I.
I can't deny that the nerves were there, and the emotions were mixed. Between happy, exited, and anxious, nervous, and scared. It seemed I was all over the place. But for so many months, this is what I've been waiting for. All the endless petty complaints I may have annoyed practically everyone with about my parents and their stubbornness were behind me. This was it. I was finally here. I'm at college. I'm independent. I'm going somewhere, doing something. It's the beginning of something new. It's all come down to this moment. I miss people, I miss things and experiences. But I know just as much will come out of being at college. I love the feeling already. Independence. As a baby, I didn't learn to walk until I was a year and a half. My parents learned to keep a hold of my hand for fear of me falling, as I did many times. I think when it was time for me to go on saturday, there was finally a sense that they'd let go of my hand and I was able to walk alone...free, a little nervous, anxious, excited, hopeful, and ready. I was definitely ready not just to walk, but to run. I can imagine how I must felt when I took my first baby steps..I'd have to say exhilarating. Because that's exactly how I felt walking up to my dorm. The first few steps are the best.
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