stuck

it would be so much easier to just be angry. flat out furious.
or, to be sad. just sad. nothing more to it, nothing less.
or even to be confused, irritated, annoyed, or disappointed...despite being slightly more complex emotions than just mad or sad. still, it would be simpler to pinpoint these feelings. to decidedly be able to announce to yourself how you're feeling and make getting by a little easier.

the frustration lies in the gray areas...when there is really no one word for what you're feeling. there's such a jumble of emotions being tossed around that it can't be put simply at all.

then after a certain period of time you feel lighter, a little more clear-headed. you justly describe this as being 'over it.' you just love the way that sounds and how concrete it sounds to say. 'i'm over it.' naturally, there should be a progression after this feeling right? there should be a progression towards...happiness? contentment? satisfaction with where you are and how you feel now...right? you're at a standstill. stuck. stuck and not progressing towards anything of the sort. it's always incomplete, even if some sort of feigned happiness or contentment makes its way into your heart. it doesn't feel right or...real.

so where are you now? what is this called? i dont know. the image conjured up in my mind is that of being infinitely trapped in quick sand. you're frantic and you struggle to get out but what does it do except for making you sink even further down. maybe sometimes you're able to stop struggling, give up. it's not worth it anymore. suddenly the sand lets up and you feel closer to freedom. freedom from this messy pit of scatterbrained feelings and unbelievable frustration and exhausted effort. as close as you get to solid ground, however, you never quite make it. you might be able to stand there for a long time--stuck--staring at it from inches away. somehow you always get dragged back in. in a fit of confusion in not knowing why you can't seem to ever reach solidarity, you start to fight back and struggle with all your might. what good does that do? you look around and suddenly, you're in deeper than before.


more than to share my emotions or just to vent how i feel, i write here mostly to try and convince myself of what i'm feeling. to make myself feel like i've finally wrapped my head around whatever the hell is going on with me. but i'm never sure. never ever. clicking the publish button doesn't make what i may be feeling any more real than before i even wrote it down. i just hope for a better sense of myself, or a little clarity every time i try to pinpoint my sentiments.

rather than force myself into clear-cut, precisely defined emotions though, i need to just admit. admit that i'm nowhere concrete. i'm not here, but not quite there. if i'm 'over it' that does not automatically entail happiness. a friend recently made a really good notion that did better in encompassing how i feel than any of my recent attempts at declaring my emotion.

"you can be over something without ever feeling resolve. but the problem is still there. and it's not that you're not over it, but it's that something was left hanging that still gets to you."

that seems simple enough right? like i could have come to this conclusion on my own eventually. or at least realized it at some point. but that's what makes the admitting part hard. i needed it to be said by someone else in order for me to see it held to true for me as well.

this is the reason why i much prefer listening to others and offering sound advice to another. being the crutch, the shoulder, and the comfort to others. that is the way it should be, i believe. because i could never take my own advice or help myself. because what i am to others, i could never ever be to me.