the higher the climb, the harder the fall.

very few times have i made it to the top, the highest point, the very tip so that there is no further to go--nothing beats it. i feel sublime. an inkling of extremely rare genuine happiness sets in for what feels like less than a nanosecond. because before i even get the chance to admire the view, absorb my surroundings, and let it all sink in, i'm already tumbling down. down down down...until i hit bottom. back where i started. again. except this time,it hurt more than the last time, or the time before that. because i had a longer ways to fall. i've gone the furthest i could go this time. i'm bruised, battered, sore...a wreck. i've almost become numb to the pain. all i can do is look back up to the top and start climbing again. climbing. climbing. climbing. why? because no matter how long the climb takes, no matter how much effort and energy is put into making that climb, and no matter how emotionally draining it is to get back up and go through that climb again, somehow it's still worth it to me. who knows why in the hell it's still worth it to me. i don't even know why it's still worth it to me. even after all the falls and the toll its taken on me, there is still that something-you-cant-put-your-finger-on type thing in me that doesn't let me give it up and quit. it doesn't let me take the easy way out and end this emotional dilemma of mine. it continues to make me believe it is worth it. that time after time, it is still worth it. for that inkling of extremely rare genuine happiness to set in, it is worth it. even if it's for less than a nanosecond. worth it.

i am pathetic.